


If Our Love is God, who the hell is Satan?

by feelingeloquent



Category: Heathers: The Musical - Murphy & O'Keefe
Genre: F/M, Veronica-centric, aftermath of senior year, bc I truly believe Veronica loved him, even if it wasn’t healthy in any way shape or form, heather c is mentioned, idk I wrote this a while ago and was kinda proud of it, kurt and ram are also mentioned, sorry - Freeform, this is how I think Veronica would react?, veronica’s diary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 10:52:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14567436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/feelingeloquent/pseuds/feelingeloquent
Summary: Veronica reflects on the events of her senior year.This is Veronica-centric, and how I believe she would feel on the matter





	If Our Love is God, who the hell is Satan?

September 1st, 1993

Dear Diary,

It’s been four years since everything. Since I broke into his room on that Saturday night, since we gave her a taste of her own toxic medicine, since he- no, we shot them down with shaky hands and fire in our eyes. Why can’t I forget? I can’t, he won’t let me. _I_ won’t let me.

I don’t allow myself to forget. The fireworks go off, sounding much too like the night he blew himself to pieces, and I flinch. Sometimes I cry. I hear him in those loud booms, I hear his trembling voice, begging me to fix everything, to fix that goddamned school. Like Westerburg High can be fixed. He, just as much as I, knew that the best you can do is get away or destroy.

I hear him in the fireworks, and the room smells much too smokey for my comfort. I see him in the trench coats worn on misty days, and I hate the small jump in my stomach when I think that he might, just might, be alive. I taste him in the cherry slushies I can bring myself to drink, when I manage to even make it into a 7-11 without breaking. I feel him, I see him, I hear him, he’s everywhere and **I can’t escape**.

A small part of me doesn’t want to escape.

I want to hate him. I wish I could despise him with my entire being, wish I could tell myself that _he made you do it_ and _you’re innocent, it’s not your fault._ But I know it’s not true. He, just as much as I, murdered them. He didn’t trick me. Fuck it, I made it into Harvard, Duke and Brown. My I.Q. is off the charts, my GPA is higher than a 4.0., I knew what the hell I was doing when I grabbed that gun, when I first uttered that horrifying mantra that still echoes in my ears to this day: “ **Our love is God**.” If anyone fooled anyone into anything, it was me, convincing myself that I didn’t know what was going on.

And I tell myself I didn’t like it. That I didn’t think his psychopathy was sexy, that I didn’t love the light in his eyes when we were doing something wrong. That I didn’t get the same feeling of elation that he did, that I hated him for “what he made me do.” I still try to convince myself that I am and was a good person, belonging in the world of the living instead of smoldering in hell with the boy I love. I still try to convince myself that I don’t love him, that I believe what we did was wrong.

Fucking hell, what we did was wrong. I tell myself I believe that. I tell myself I didn’t feel better off without them, that I was guilty about what we did. I was guilty, at least for a bit. And then I forgot, and I moved on.

I see him in trenchcoats and slushies, fireworks and 7-11s, broken rules and Baudelaire quotes. He’s everywhere, yet they are nowhere. I should see her in cleaning supplies, in red lipstick and croquet mallets, in hangover cures and scrunchies -- I should see them in letterman jackets, in high school football players and empty bottles of alcohol, in abandoned lunch trays and discarded clothing.

I should, but I don’t. All I see is him, and I swear to Our Love, I hate him for it.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago idk if it’s good?? This is just my take on how Veronica would feel. Idk. I think JD is a rlly interesting character and I like exploring his and Veronica’s relationship 
> 
> Hmu on tumblr @cthlulu and comments are always welcome


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